Wednesday, 7 September 2016

"My sister has NO breasts!!" (PLEASE HELP ME)

I guess a lot of people are wondering why such a comically aberrant headline? What's our business with your sister's breast? Wetin even carry your eye go your sister breast? Well, today is not the Sabbath day so whether I keep it holy or not depends on your definition of holiness. To set records straight, I have four sisters and in reality they have breasts but the breasts I’m talking about represents the strength and strong will of women...

God blessed me with this scripture "Songs of Solomon 8:8". Reviewing the entire chapter, this particular lady had been exchanging love letters with Solomon till her brothers got wind of it. They came together and discussed their "little sister" who had no breasts. They decided that if she was like a wall, they would build her a palace of silver but if she was like a door, they will cover her with boards of plywood (cedar)

Without much ado, let’s talk about my type of breasts. To all ye pervert thinking of some firm succulent breasts, I say unto you "Peace, be still!” There are four types of breasts:

1) Emotional Breast: There are a lot of ladies out there who have not grown these firm breasts. They have little or no control over their emotions and lack the self will and power to take their stand on issues.

Making reference to the scriptural passage above, women that are like walls are those that are strong willed and can say NO! Those that are like doors are those that are loose and too open. Every Tomisin, Dike and Lanre can come in and go out of them at anytime.

The way some ladies store boyfriends like Kanji dam stores water can amaze you. There are ladies that cheat because they seek attention. Some others are so loose that at just a simple "hi", they will give you their names, their phone number, the phone numbers of their parents, siblings, cousins, even that of their dead relatives...

A guy will finish with you then pass you on to his friends who will such all the juice your husband is supposed to enjoy and you still call yourself a wife material meanwhile you are drier than the dry bones Ezekiel called back to life. There is a difference between being a girl and being a woman. Before you can brag about being a woman, you should have grown firm emotional breasts. The power to say NO is important for you to be a woman....

2) Spiritual breasts: Permit me to chuckle a little before I address this issue. Recently, Pastor E.A. Adeboye's comment of not getting married to a lady that can't pray for an hour was greeted with a wildfire of mixed reactions. It was surprising to see some aged females who by a stroke of luck received MTN's free megabyte, go online to type balderdash, without pausing to think. As he said, he was referring to his people but it shouldn't surprise you to know that most of those ladies blabbing can't even pray for themselves....

A lot of ladies can't even pray up to 5minutes not to talk of an hour. Some turn into ushers, choir mistresses and firebrand prayer warriors when they need a husband but after that they wax cold. Out of that time you are using to pray for one "bobo" somewhere, use it to pray for yourself. Except you're an atheist, I don't see the reason behind your inability to pray for yourself. If you don't have a close call with your creator, you need to grow spiritual breasts.

3) Financial breasts: "Honey, I need to plait my hair", "Honey, I need to go to the spa", "Honey, I need to fuel the car", "Honey, the mouth wash has finished", "Honey, I need to buy sanitary pads", "Honey this.... Honey that..." KILODE!!!? Which kain queen bee you be sef? You want to suck all the honey away from his comb? Funny enough, there are a lot of married women who can't do without their husband's money. They depend on him for virtually everything. Listen woman, it is high time you arise and do something for yourself...

If he is not around, will you die? There are a lot of ladies out there chained in abusive relationships because they are worried about their financial status if they leave. If your partner starts misbehaving and decides not to take care of you and the child(ren), don't fret... find something to do and help your life. A lot of ladies can't grow those breasts because they are overconfident and over dependent on their husband's money. My sister, take the risk and grow that breast.

4) Physical breast: I know a lot of people are reading this and waiting for this part (mostly guys). It’s fortunately unfortunate but I have to break your heart. The physical breast here is centered on your personal hygiene as a lady. A lot of guys carry this "SAY NO TO BODY ODOUR" placard wherever they go and I’m one of them. Nothing repulses and nauseates me like a dirty lady. I can't even stand a chance with such. As a lady, you need to take very good care of yourself.

It is not in the amount of dusting powder, poster color and crayons you use to paint your face. If you are dirty you are dirty. If you have ever come across guys discussing dirty girls, you will weep for Africa. We know the "awon smellos" and we mock them when they play hard to get (True Story #BroCode). Cleanliness attracts Godliness. You can't be expecting a God-fearing man and yet be stinking like a pig. You sef, fear God and bath well. Scrub all those hidden corners and smell good. Eat well, eat fruits and look fresh, not everyday KFC, Mr. Biggs, etc. Soon Cafe Royale will make their branch manager because of your high attendance rate.

Cleanliness is not a matter of how wealthy you are. There is no law that says "cleanliness is directly proportional to riches". You can be rich but still be dirty. Let your home be a replica of yourself. Be clean both inwardly and outwardly.

To all my beautiful sisters reading this, don't see this as a mockery but rather as a way to improve you. Not all loose sisters have good brothers that are ready to protect them. Some will pretend to but end up taking advantage of you. Be watchful. Try personally to be a wall so you can withstand the evils of the day and have a palace of silver. Don’t follow friends that are "happening". When it will finally happen, their eyes will clear. You see that money they are bragging about, you will make it, even more. "I’m a big girl, I’m a big girl...” that's how Nkechi contracted HIV/AIDS.

Keep and work on yourself. All ye single ladies, marriage is not an accomplishment so take your time and grow your breasts so you can be the real woman your husband and children will be proud of.

I truly hope my future wife is reading this. Sweetheart, I love you though I’m not there to protect you with bars of iron and boards of plywood. My darling sister, be a wall and take your stand. I promise you a palace of gold, silver, topaz, ruby and so much more.

To every beautiful sister reading this but yet to have breasts, I command you to grow those breasts. To those that have but over the years, theirs have been sucked, sagged, and drained; I speak to those dry boobs... come alive and rise again... no pun intended. It’s time to be the woman God made you to be... the woman you ought to be. Your woman... Your everything...!

-​Derrick Chidumebi​

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